You feel incredibly hurt, and righteous anger wells up within you. The other person is a clumsy fool and a complete a*&^hole. You'd rather just walk away from it all. But before you do, you want to give them a piece of your mind.
But really, really give it to them. Not loudly, of course, but quite nicely, considering the circumstances. We're not savages here. Clear, though. So that they finally understand. They should be ashamed to even be seen with someone like themselves. I've been telling him for 10 years now... and nothing. He just doesn't get it. Doesn't he see how awful it is? How unethical! He's hurting everyone. And besides, it's dangerous! Think of all the things that could have happened! You don't even acknowledge muttered reassurances from your counterpart, nor do you entertain attempts to restrain yourself. On the contrary, now you're just getting started. It erupts from you like a volcano, and you can't stop, accusations upon accusations. Because, you see, it's not just about this one thing, but there was also last week's incident that you want to specifically point out again now, not to mention last year... You'd rather just walk away from it all. Let him deal with it alone. I won't give myself up for this anymore.
If your counterpart dares to try to stop you, they risk you putting an end to it. Such a "conversation" primarily serves as a vent for your frustration but also as a protective strategy for your own vulnerability. You are right, and there is no doubt or discussion about your moral superiority.
There is no chance for genuine exchange and constructive understanding. Communication breaks down, and both of you feel increasingly miserable with each other.
Do you recognize yourself or your partner in this scenario of an "emotional outburst"?
Arguments wear you down. Arguments hurt. Arguments leave scars.
An argument is an unfortunate incident and should not be the norm for conflict resolution. If incidents, despite all efforts, do not remain exceptions, seek support!
Anger protects existing relationship dynamics.
Whether you express your anger through arguments, accusations, or silence and emotional distancing, it doesn't matter for problem-solving: Most often, nothing gets resolved this way. Existing dynamics are more likely to be maintained.
The highly emotional confrontation is a battle; addressing substantive issues does not occur. Accusations, verbal attacks lead to counterattacks and justifications. The nervous system switches to fight-flight mode, a state in which neither empathy nor creative problem-solving is possible.
Understanding for each other and thinking about solutions are blocked. Biologically, our brains are simply not capable of this in such a state.
Even if you manage to calm down and forgive after some time, if the only way out is submission or sweeping things under the rug, this cannot be a lasting solution. Sooner or later, you invite resentment, reluctance, and resentment into your relationship, which swim like sharks just below the surface and snap at every innocent surfer. It's not just your partner's resentments; it's yours too because isolating, ignoring, and shutting down your counterpart does not lead to emotional alignment and connection. You drift apart gradually.
Silence is a form of emotional abuse.
What's worse, you might ask, yelling at someone and saying hurtful things that you later regret or withdrawing and staying silent? "Give the silent treatment," as it's called in English.
Most people don't realize this or don't fully understand it, but anyone who has ever experienced someone they care about turning away from them, staying silent, and giving them the cold shoulder knows how painful that feels. Silence is a form of emotional abuse.
If someone constantly loses their temper, whether in the form of anger or offended silence, the other person will be afraid to speak openly with their partner, and the relationship will suffer.
To be a good partner, I have to be someone you can talk to, someone who listens, even about difficult topics.
Background to the outbursts:
Silence is a coping mechanism. Perhaps you wanted to spare yourself and your partner something worse, avoid a big explosion. But essentially, the emotions and inner excitement are equally intense. If it then persists for hours and days, the silence is just as aggressive and disruptive to the relationship as outbursts of anger. Post-traumatic stress disorder can be a background, as can a childhood with little relationship security. A critical remark, and the nervous system overreacts, old rejection wounds and abandonment fears are triggered, and it feels like a matter of life and death. Indeed, the autonomic nervous system switches from the parasympathetic to the sympathetic mode, the fight-flight-freeze mode, in which a kind of survival energy (and fear) is released.
This is often supported by a specific "cognitive superstructure," especially moral accusations fuel one's own indignation.
Typical phrases are:
He/She is disrespectful!
He/She only thinks about themselves!
He/She is lying!
You don't do something like that!
That's not right!
And the desire to punish the other: I'll show him, he'll regret it, let him see...
Here's my RECOMMENDATION:
1. Punishing - Don't do it!
The desire to punish comes from trauma: Don't listen to it! Never succumb to the temptation to punish others!
2. The art of the pause -