The Relationship on the Altar: Offerings in the couple relationship

In the context of romantic relationships, the term "sacrifice" often connotes painful deprivation rather than a ceremonial act of gift-giving. As a couples therapist, I aim to shift the focus to this alternative interpretation of "sacrifice" as a gift to the gods, celebrated in a sacred ritual.

In early religious rituals, sacrifice was a form of expressing reverence, often within a ceremonial context. In present-day Taiwan, where I spent two years during my studies, sacrificial offerings are still made. Every household of significance had a small altar dedicated to the Kitchen God, to whom offerings such as spirit money, small figurines, and sweets were made during the New Year.

Not only in English, but there is also an etymological connection between the words "sacred" and "sacrifice." By considering the relationship as something "sacred," you emphasize its special significance. Such an attitude serves as an invitation for you and your partner to handle the relationship with care, consciously demonstrating appreciation.

Commitment

This brings me to another important factor that underpins relationships: commitment, a blend of dedication and engagement. While I may risk stating the obvious, it's beneficial to occasionally reflect on this aspect. By choosing to commit to the relationship, I prioritize it. I may have to relinquish certain things, open myself up, participate. When I view sacrifice in the light of appreciation, I do it willingly and gladly, for the other person. In doing so, I also enhance my credibility as a partner and the overall level of trust in the relationship, which is the most crucial foundation for maintaining a stable and vibrant relationship.

The Languages of Love

A well-known American marriage therapist (and pastor), Gary Chapman, has developed the concept of the five love languages as the cornerstone of his theory for a functional marriage. Each person possesses a love language, a specific channel through which they are particularly receptive to expressions of love from another. When the partner learns to speak the appropriate love language, it fills the emotional "love tank" of the other person. Confidence in the relationship increases, trust grows, and the recipient becomes more willing to engage with the other person.

Now, if one uses the wrong channel, the efforts may go in vain, a kind of lost labor of love. Sometimes, one person's love language does not align with that of the other. What then? Dr. Chapman says it doesn't matter. If both speak the same love language, that's nice to have, as it may make it easier to understand what makes the other person happy. However, couples who share the same love language are in the minority. For the rest, it's about discovering the other person's love language and generously catering to it. This is where sacrifice may come into play, particularly when the relationship is off-balance due to external stressors, such as a new child in the family or professional challenges, and has depleted the emotional account: Now it's particularly difficult to do something good for the other person. My advice: Do it anyway.

Sophie's love language is quality time; she enjoys, for example, long walks in the forest. She relishes the rustling of the trees, the meditative strolls off the beaten path, where one can find mushrooms or wild herbs depending on the season. Martin is not as big a fan of the woods; he's not as knowledgeable about flora and fauna, and he would prefer to follow the path at a brisker pace. However, he understands Sophie's preference and how much the time spent together in nature means to her, and how beneficial it is for her soul. Martin is now quite familiar with the surroundings, and he knows what Sophie might enjoy. Sometimes he has to push himself a bit, but he enjoys surprising Sophie with small weekend getaways to interesting natural locations.