Dealing with Anger

What we're talking about here: We're talking about anger in everyday situations. Anger that escalates strongly and unnecessarily complicates life. I emphasize, this is not about serious fraud, physical harm, criminal acts, etc. It's about the little things, like who does more housework, who sticks to agreements, who interprets rules in what way, just the normal coexistence. It's also not about partners who drive you crazy. They exist, but that's not the focus here.

First things first: I would really like to convince you, if you have an anger problem, take care of it! Work on it! And ultimately: Stop it! Why?

Because anger (mostly) doesn't solve problems. Anger puts both you and your partner in an "anti-creative" state, where all attention is focused on anger. The unconscious mind cannot develop creative solutions. Instead of things changing, both of you - potentially for weeks - are busy healing the inflicted wounds.
Anger is a real relationship killer and poisons your life: Instead of enjoying beautiful moments together, you harbor resentments and suffer from the pains of the injuries you have inflicted on each other.

Do you deserve that? It's really a shame that two people who actually like and appreciate each other, who make a good team in many ways, who have so many valuable skills, have to experience so much suffering.

With your anger, you protect your partner from change. Anger takes up all energy and attention. Instead of working on the problem and its change, it's now about who is to blame, who is right, and who is how. But now it blocks change.

In the more favorable case, the triggers for anger are actually "only" stressful life circumstances, and anger habitually ignites over trivial matters.

Sometimes there are deeper triggers behind the anger, such as unfavorable relationship patterns like avoiding intimacy versus craving for closeness.

In this case, anger prevents such a dynamic from being uncovered and addressed.

Anger becomes addictive. Anger triggers intense emotions, anger is not just a fighting feeling, it already carries victory within it. From the unbearable helplessness and despair, anger leads us to a feeling of strength and control, it gives us a sword and ensures compensatory justice.
Addictive anger is an unfortunate learning experience. (Like all addictions) Maybe it was like this: Anger was once a good friend. There was a time when you were hurt over and over again. You suffered like a dog. It was really bad. There were serious attacks on your dignity and self-respect. And one day the anger came: I'm not putting up with this anymore! And here it stops now! And immediately you felt better. You no longer felt small and helpless. But strong and capable. Anger became a valuable resource, a good coping strategy.

Information plus Emotion = Learning

Actually, anger wanted to protect you above all - from attacks, from devaluations, from pain, from the feeling of being worthless, unloved. For a while, it only showed up rarely, to a tolerable extent. But then life became more stressful, you became parents, had to balance work, partnership, and relationship. There was this powerful coping strategy ... anger came more and more often, it still caused a feeling of strength, but it also has terrible side effects, it reinforces exactly this: resentments instead of love, accusations instead of appreciation.

Maybe you are a person who learns quickly, maybe the overwhelming force was simply too great, and that was the only means available. Or both. We don't know. It's not important. What's important is: Anger is not a character trait! It is the result of an unfavorable learning experience of a reactive nervous system.

Anger is not healthy and puts your nervous system in distress. Permanent flooding of the brain and body with stress hormones makes you sick in the long run. You become susceptible to mental disorders like depression, and your immune system is compromised.

The first step is the decision: I'm going to stop and look for other coping strategies. The price of anger is too high. No one says it's easy. And don't forget - be kind to yourself. Change what needs to be changed in the relationship.Start now!

This article also fits the topic: The Silent Treatment.

I am here to support you.