Overconfidence is Overrated
"You don't believe in yourself!" said my friend. That surprised me a little. I thought I was just giving a realistic self-assessment regarding the things I could do and those I still wanted to learn. Must one always be perfect at everything or at least pretend to be?
Can't one be good at some things, and that's good enough? And at the same time, acknowledge that there are people in this or that area from whom one wants to learn?
One can. And there is much to be said that this is even healthier for the psyche. And for relationships. However, our society does not promote this attitude; on the contrary:
"Wir leben nicht in einer Kultur, die Beziehungen wertschätzt, sondern in einer patriarchalischen, narzisstischen, koabhängigen Kultur."
The international recognized couples and men's therapist Terry Real says.
The concept of "fake it till you make it" can function as a push mechanism; "acting as if" can earn points in terms of recognition and respect. If you're lucky, self-confidence develops through the recognition you receive. But maybe not, and there remains the anxious fear of being exposed, the despondent feeling of being "in reality" less than what one believes one must be or what one thinks others believe one must be.
"Face it till you make it" is better: consciously facing the specific situation that challenges us until our organism has learned how it works.
Self-confidence feels good and gives a sense of control. We live in a culture where self-assurance and self-confidence are highly valued. However, a treacherous consequence of our society's overvaluation of self-confidence is the proliferation and recognition of narcissistic behaviors. Researcher Jean Twenge examined 15,000 college students between 1987 and 2007. He observed a significant increase in individuals with narcissistic traits over the last decade. Exaggerated self-assurance and the associated excessive overestimation of one's abilities can have fatal consequences, but there are also risks on a psychological level. In the performance-driven society, self-confidence is linked to being better than others. Being average is an insult.
Having to be better is exhausting, and eventually, there comes a point where one isn't up to par. Then sharp self-criticism can ensue. There's a risk of an emotional rollercoaster, from inflated self-confidence to biting self-hatred. This can lead to an increased propensity for anxiety and result in depression.
Terry Real says grandiosity and shame are two sides of the same coin; grandiosity is about superiority - and contempt for the inferior. When this emotion is directed towards oneself, it becomes shame and self-contempt.
A good alternative is the development of self-compassion, says US researcher Dr. Kristin Neff: accepting that one is an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. One doesn't have to be better than others. Self-worth is thus decoupled from performance. At the same time, self-compassion paves the way for personal growth and development. If one doesn't have to be perfect, one can allow mistakes, treat oneself kindly, and also be kinder to others. There's less pressure to compete. The emotional security gained in this way helps to acknowledge one's weaknesses and recognize what needs to be changed when things aren't going well. Painful feelings can also be acknowledged and accepted without judgment or the need to suppress them or act them out in a private drama. Self-compassion is a good defense against anxiety and depression, as self-worth becomes less dependent on external validation; Neff demonstrated this in an experiment. Even a higher resilience against post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) seems to be associated with it: Neff examined war veterans, 42% of whom exhibited symptoms of PTSD. The higher the level of self-compassion, the less severe were the symptoms they experienced.
There's still the question of how to develop more self-compassion. Neff recommends becoming aware of the inner voice that accompanies us in our daily lives. Especially when it becomes very critical, we should correct it. To do this, imagine how one would speak to a dear friend or family member in a similar situation. Because when things aren't going well, what do we need? An enemy or an ally? A common mistake is condemning the inner critic as an enemy. Then we criticize ourselves for criticizing ourselves, and we're no further ahead. We must learn to make peace with the inner critic.
But how? Jane Pike, a mental coach from New Zealand for women plagued by anxiety and stress, calls the inner critic "The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee". We should thank them, she says, because fundamentally the committee only wants to protect us. Unfortunately, it's very conservative and employs tough love. The kind of protection it provides does more harm than good. Therefore, we should kindly but firmly put it in its place.